DIVORCE MEDIATION IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY,
SANTA CLARITA VALLEY & SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA
DON'T DIVORCE THE CHILDREN:
By Irving H. Zaroff, JD LMFT and Dana Schutz, LMFT
Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them.
Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him.
Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it .
( Pamela Glenconner )
Does divorce traumatize children? The answer depends on two factors: the child’s resiliency and the environment created by divorce. People are unique in their personal makeup. Some experience events like they’re made of Teflon – it just slides off. Others experience events as severe trauma – they are enduringly influenced. While parents can do no more for the former, once they have left their DNA, they have a great deal of influence over the latter.
How can parents help to minimize the risk of trauma to children during and after divorce?
Parent to child:
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Provide space for children to express their fears, sadness and sense of loss.
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Make clear that the divorce was not their fault.
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Reassure them that they will be safe.
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Create a stable routine and appropriate discipline.
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Give them ample advance notice of changes whenever possible.
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Avoid making your child a source for your emotional support.
Between parents:
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Support your child’s relationship with their other parent and avoid negative comments about them.
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Keep the specifics of the divorce between yourselves – because it is.
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Avoid using children to communicate between parents – or report on them.
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Avoid conflict and argument in the presence of the children.
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When possible, speak to your children together to reassure them they are loved by you both.
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Find ways to communicate with each other that eliminate (or reduce) hostility.
Parent to self:
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Maintain and/or build a support system from extended family and friends.
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Consider individual or group organized or professional support.
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Strive for balance in your life despite the stresses (eat well, exercise, and nourish your spirit).
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Set goals and prioritize issues you need to address.
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Inform yourself of the challenges faced in divorce and co-parenting.
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Be forgiving and accepting of yourself – there’s probably enough guilt in the system already.
Some of the indicators that children are experiencing the divorce in a traumatic way are:
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Increased moodiness.
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Negative self-comments (i.e., “No one likes me.” “I hate myself.” “I’m dumb”).
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Withdrawal or losing interest in things they used to like.
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Sleep or eating problems.
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Drug or alcohol use.
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Uncharacteristic anger outbursts or fighting.
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Loss of concentration.
When parents divorce, they don’t divorce the children.
For more information contact the Center for Cooperative Divorce online or toll-free at: 1-877-318-CFCD (2323)
All information is kept strictly confidential.
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