In Divorce, Choice Matters

By Irving H. Zaroff, JD LMFT and Dana Schutz, MA LMFT

Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness
~ George Santayana

You can't change history, but you can create your future.

When couples decide to separate or divorce, some things change while others stay the same. The history between you and your partner or spouse will not change. If you have children, being parents will not change. But the future of your relationship as parents is within your grasp to change. The choice will always be yours. Realizing what you can't change can motivate you to consider negotiating the end of your relationship with dignity and respect, helping you move forward with positive intentions, and focus on what can change.

Often in divorce, something significant happens that results in a couple deciding that they can no longer tolerate the struggles or pain that they have battled with over time in the marriage. Often, that leads to one person being "done." A decision has been made to divorce and there is no turning back, at least for that person. Their spouse may not feel the same and may resist believing the divorce is inevitable, but the process has begun.

It's important to notice this is a process and how you feel today will likely be different in 6 months or 6 years. Although difficult to believe, it is true. You are in the process of creating a new history - what will you choose it to be?

Our background as therapists provide skills in mediation that can help people in their struggle to navigate through the challenging waters of divorce. Our mission is to assist our clients getting through it with the least amount of psychological pain.

Consider this concept through the eyes of your child. A six-year old child caught up in the divorce battle for a couple of years, will have 25% of their life experience negatively influenced by these battles at the early age of eight. Do you want to create that kind of history for your child? That history will forever be a part of who they are. When you consider the facts you will hopefully remind yourself, you can't change history, you can't divorce the kids, but you can create a different future.

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